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FEATURES & FUN

(not so) vEry KOol MeTAl qWotZz.....

I though about doing a feature like this and then abandoned the idea so many times. Am I a chicken, scared to offend the "Metal purists" of this world? NO!! This must be done! And... this is not the product of a cynic, jaded old metalhead, I've been sneering at corny metal lyrix ever since I first got into it sometime during my 11th-12th year of existence. (I actually take them more serious now than I did then.) Anyway, here's a couple of favourite lines from the somewhat "literary impaired" metal underground:

"the black rose, the black rose, the black rose is coming out to get you..." - MANDATOR - the black rose
HELP! HELP! a little flower is coming out to get me! look at those thorns! shudder!

"atomic bomb I hate you, why are you here?..." - ASGARD - before the morning
hey kid, leave out the social commentary and stick to devilworshipping, alright?

"satan goes to church today, la-la la la la la-la..." - The Great KAT - satan goes to church
you're an idiot, la-la la la la la-la

"you're lost in a maze, looking for lace..." - BLACK DEATH - screams of the iron messiah
and who did you find? David Bowie! (or was that a labyrinth?...)

"let me take you out of the chair, g-g-grandma', let me touch you, let me feel -aaahh!" - KING DIAMOND - welcome home
leave momma alone you filthy little brat!!

"we all praise the devil, he is so fine..." - SAD IRON - we all praise the devil
ehr... yeah, he's... OK, I guess?

"evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil-evil...EEEVIL!!!" - CARRION - evil is there
evi... come again?

"love is out, yeah! satan is better than god!..." - MERCYFUL FATE - early live version of Satan's fall from '82
yes! that's it! straight to the point - no "blissfully I give the sacred virgin as an offering to the dark emperor under the carpathian full moon"-bullshit!

"demons suck your pussy, and fuck 'till the delight, she isn't more virgin, because was fucked by satan..." - SARCOFAGO - desecration of virgin
yeah, man! make love not war! *8-)

"nuclear destruction destroys the night..." - NME - speed kilz
nuclear destruction is a real bitch, inni't?

"hell evil satan's curse, from the sky I fall, metal burns my fucking brain, satan took the fall" - POSSESSED -
well at least it rhymes...

"" -

"" -


Metal bandnames I'd like to see on plastic....

Metallica, Stormwitch, Death... Accept! The stupid names people call their bands never cease to amaze me. Even I can do better than "Megadeth"(sic!), so here's a couple of names I'd love to see on record covers in the near future (or the forgotten past), and would instantly put on my wantlist just for the sake of it....

AGGRESSIVE SKELETONS
DEAD CORPSE
MURDERED GRAVE
IRON STEEL
(pronounced [i'n steee-ahl!])
UPSIDEDOWN PRIEST
NICE-PERSON-KILLERS
THUNDERGOAT
LASERBEAST
FIRECORPSE
MUSCULAR LONG HAIRED MEN IN BLACK LEATHER UNDERWEAR
(suggested album title: "death to posers and other fags!")
HEAVY EVIL
BLOODY EVIL
EVIL BLOOD
EVIL GUTS
EVIL GORE
EVIL EVIL
NICE EVIL
(white metal, I think they used to tour with TORN FLESH)
DARK EVIL
EVIL DARK
DARK DARK
(they're really dark)
DEADLY DARK
(they're slightly darker than DARK EVIL, but not quite as dark as DARK DARK)
DARK BLOOD
POWERFORCE
FORGOTTEN AMNESIA
(prog metal. definitely prog metal)
UN-NICE
BURNING VIRGIN
ANGRY CORPSE
DANGEROUS DEATH
DESTRUCTIFICATIONALISTICISM
ASHES OF THE ATMOSPHERIC FLOWERS WITHERING IN THE CRIMSON SUNRISE OF ETERNAL BLISS
(they're into violins n' shit...)
VIOLENT POOL OF BLOOD
WE'VE GOT WHITE SHIT SMEARED ALL OVER OUR FACES PLEASE KILL US
(I think they're from norway)
GROWLGROWLSATANGROWL!
INCREDIBLY MUCH DEATH
AS THE BUTTERFLIES CRIES...
(they have this annoying little bitch on vox who should die in leukemia any day now...)
CORPSEKILLERS
AXEMONSTER

()
more fun...